what if
by NuttyNuggets
Summary: Some people on the RAS message board once thought about what it would be like if a bunch of the characters were to duke it out to the death. This is what I came up with. It was the first fanfic I wrote.


Note that the fighters get to keep all their items except Charon's Claw! That would just be unfair. Instead, Artemis uses the green-glowing saber he had in The Legacy. I pretend none of them know each other or their weapons.  
They appear in a circular domed arena, pairs of two equally spread out along the wall, as if their first opponents were chosen for them. They may begin fighting with whomever they please, however, and Catti-brie was eyeing Wulfgar as a target for her bow, when she noticed from the corner of her eye that Jarlaxle was staring unabashedly at her chest. Without turning her head, she dropped the arrow, snapped Khazid'hea from of it's sheath, and slashed to her left. Jarlaxle's head wobbled weirdly and slowly rolled off his shoulders to the floor. But due to the magical nature of his toe ring, he was able to pick it up, plop it back on his shoulders, and give a mocking bow to Catti before running off towards Entreri and Drizzt, who had materialized together and wasted no time to duke it out. Catti-brie returned her attentions to Wulfgar, only to duck just in time to miss getting her own head smacked off. Seeing him without a weapon , she took time to line an arrow up with his chest so that she would not miss. Aegis Fang returns to it's owners grasp, and the barbarian lets it loose mere moments before Taulmauril sent the arrow flying. An incredible fiery display resulted from the clashing of the two weapons, the explosion of the silver missile combined with a burst of brilliant diamond-like sparks. The arrow negated the advance of the warhammer, preventing it from hurling towards Catti, but the explosion was too close to her, and she was knocked back by the force of it. Not to mention that she was all black and crispy. Danica, who had appeared alongside Wulfgar, decided it was time for her to jump in, and with a running start, jumped up and kicked the man's back...practically bouncing off him. Wulfgar turns slowly to glare at the monk, Aegis Fang once again in his grasp, though it had taken longer than usual to return. The surprisingly agile warrior then burst in a series of attacks, with the much swifter Danica swerving and rolling just out of reach, once even using Wulfgar's arm to vault over a viscous swipe while deftly snapping a foot into his face. It continued thus for quite awhile, with Wulfgar taking minor hits, and his patience wore off until he began to swing the hammer with absolute furious abandon, keeping even dodgy Danica on her heels, unable to reciprocate. Then in an incredibly daring move, she waited till the hammer was about to slam right into her head, then, throwing herself into a backwards roll away from the swing to Wulfgar's left, she darted behind him and slightly to his right, whereas Wulfgar was still leaning to his left from the momentum of his swing. Danica brings up both legs and kicks the back of his knees. Wulfgar is falling, about to land on his left side due to the position he was in, but right before he hits the floor, she grabs his head with both hands so he's facing her while she kicks his right shoulder AWAY from her. A resounding *crunch* confirms that the neck of even the mightiest man is still quite vulnerable, though the site of the barbarian sightlessly staring straight ahead, away from the front of his body would have been enough.   
While these three were putting Jason Voorhees to shame, Drizzt and Artemis were performing with their typical brilliance. The flashy mercenary, at first content to simply watch the blinding display, decided to occasionally throw daggers at both opponents, laughing. Entreri, while engaged with the fight, was able to walk in a half-circle around Drizzt so that his back was to Jarlaxle. "We must do something!" the evil man hissed over the right of steel, too low for Jarlaxle to hear. His dark eyes darted to the side, indicating his intent. Drizzt gave an almost imperceptible nod, and both warriors charged towards the mercenary. Though taken completely by surprise, Jarlaxle immediately began pumping out a long stream of daggers, greatly slowing their approach. Eventually they came too close, and Jarlaxle was forced to unsheath his twin swords. He held no delusions that he could defeat two such supreme fighters at once when even one alone would make a worthy adversary for him. Still, the drow could give them a hard time taking him down, and so he began stabbing and parrying with his characteristically flamboyant style. Luckily for Jarlaxle, Artemis noticed Wulfgar's fall and that Danica was prone, seemingly helpless, on the floor. Realizing that Jarlaxle was good enough to at least wound Drizzt, the assassin disengaged from the unfair fight, deciding to pick off an adversary while the two drow wear each other out. Drizzt snarles at the man's fickleness as Jarlaxle sighs in relief, then steels himself for the fight of his existence. He presses hard against the ranger with graceful, seemingly exaggerated movements. Out-dressed, but perhaps not outmatched, Drizzt continue his assault on Jarlaxle alone.   
Danica is sitting up when she notices Entreri's approach. Artemis sends his jeweled dagger flying towards her, but Danica, pushing up with her feet and hands, goes up and sprawls in midair over the weapon's flight, earning only a superficial scratch between the shoulder blades. After twisting around cat-like to land in a crouch, the monk pulls out her own wicked daggers from her boot sheaths to duel with Entreri. He is unfortunately without the use of one of his preferred weapons, and Danica is skilled at striking with dual daggers, and she makes good use with her feet. Artemis, however, has the advantage of a much longer weapon, and desperately tries to use it to get around Danica that he may approach his dagger. She will have none of it, however, and furiously begins to drive him back.  
Jarlaxle, noticing the man's plight, and feeling quite appreciative that he withdrew from the fight (though he guessed Artemis' reason) decides to help him. He backs up swiftly, cocking his arm as if to throw, and Drizzt crouches and holds his blades up defensively, waiting for a volley of daggers to come. Instead, Jarlaxle enacts his innate ability to create a globe of darkness around the two humans. Neither are quite expecting that, but Danica swiftly jumps up to deliver a two-legged kick to Artemis' throat. Knowing her to be a cunning woman and expecting her to use the interruption to her advantage, Entreri drops down to his knees and stabs his sword upward, nearly severing Danica's right foot at the ankle. She resists the urge to scream, which would only assist Artemis in finishing her, and uses her hands and good leg to back out of the globe of darkness. She stands with her injured foot raised and is able to jump and swing her left leg at Entreri as he emerged, kicking him in the chest and sending him sprawling back into the darkness. He hadn't expected her to still be fighting after such a grievous wound. She watched but did not see him come out, nor was there any sound, though she knew he was not rendered unconscious from the blow. In case he was planning on bursting from the globe at her again, she moved to the side and started to go around the dark sphere. Thinking she knew his location, she threw her daggers into the globe, but they clanged onto the stone floor. Suddenly, Danica realizes that was just what he wanted her to do. She turned, only to be run through by Entreri's sword. In her last brief moments of life, she noticed he had time to retrieve his dagger before creeping behind her.   
Artemis Entreri watches as she slides off his sword and onto the floor. He has to admit (privately) to some measure of respect for Danica. He had not used the vampiric ability of his dagger to drain her life force. Anything less than a warrior's death would have seemed unfitting, though if he had sustained major injuries, he would not let respect get in the way of practicality.   
Artemis turns toward the drow, who are watching him, weapons sheathed. "What are you doing?" he shouted. Drizzt stared at him a moment, and replies "Watching a game, having a Bud." Jarlaxle chuckles. Entreri's eyes flash murderously, then suddenly he sports a feral grin and says, "True. True." "Waazup!" Jarlaxle cries. "Waazup!" Drizzt and Artemis respond in union. Agreeing to end the day on a high note by heading out for the nearest tavern, the trio walk though the carnage, walking with their arms around the adjacent persons's waist. Suddenly, in a blur of movement and the tensing of finely honed muscles, the companions stab each other from behind: Entreri into Drizzt's spine, Drizzt into Jarlaxle's heart, and Jarlaxle into Entreri's neck. They slump to the floor.  
There is a momentous pause, until a shimmering along the sides of the arena clears and reveals scores of humanoids with lumpy massive heads and tentacles in place of mouths, writhing animatedly. Illithids.   
All present agreed it was the finest gladiatorial session they had ever attended but...but...the ending was so strange!  
  
The End :P   
  
  
  
  
  



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